My Roommate's a Guy?
by blackeningmidnight
Summary: What if Cath's roommate had been Levi, like she'd thought on the first day? These characters belong to Rainbow Rowell.
1. Chapter 1

AU: Levi is actually Caths Roommate.

Finally reaching the room I was looking for 913 I sigh with relief, my whole body relaxing at finding my destination, quickly returning to it's rigid stressed form at the idea of meeting my roommate. What if they really were some psychopath? I can't believe Wren is so okay with us living in separate dorms, this is so wrong.

The door to the room was propped open, which can only be a good thing considering the size of the box in my hand. I'm shocked to find a boy in my room. I look at the number again, it definitely says 913, and I'm pretty sure this is Pound Hall. They don't room guys and girls together do they? They certainly shouldn't do that without giving the person due warning.

"You must be Cather?" the boy says, his grin wide as he holds out his hand, how does he expect me to shake his hand or whatever when I am carrying this box.

"Cath." I mumble, a lump in my throat, this is not what I thought it would be it's worse. I don't want to be here. Maybe I should catch Dad before he brings more boxes upstairs, I don't want to stay here, this was a mistake. What was I thinking? I knew I was moving into a co-ed dorm but a co-ed room?

The boy takes the box from my hands, clearly assuming that that is the reason for my unease, he sets it down on the empty bed. Half the room already set up and looking like it's always been that way.

"I'm Levi, by the way." He says, smiling consistently, he doesn't mention anything about being my roommate and I'm still hoping that my actual roommate is hiding in the closet somewhere or even is coming back upstairs with some more stuff. "You do have more stuff than that right?" I nod, too stuck in my own head to make some coherent reply that incorporates words.

"Right, okay. I think we're going to go get a burger now. I'm starving. Have you been to Pears already?" I shake my head and he continues "The burgers are like the best thing in the world – size of your fist." He picks up my arm, closing his fingers around my hand till I'm making a fist, serving to illustrate his point. "Bigger." He states. "Bigger than your fist." He takes a step backwards, to sit on the bed on the other side of the room, pulling on a pair of shoes. He was tall, taller than Abel and thin. His tan and his dark blonde hair flopping in all directions, suggesting he's spent a lot of time outside over the summer, probably the beach or something like that.

I look down at the piece of paper with my room assignment on, checking it again for some clarity. Her room assignment hadn't given her a name, like she'd expected, like Wren's had. She'd thought that maybe she wasn't getting given a roommate, but that had been wishful thinking.

"Reagan!" the boys says happily jumping to his feet. "This is my roommate, Cather." A girl steps around me and glances back towards me coolly looking like she really couldn't care less. She's the sort of girl that I'd avoid in normal conditions (probably shown most obviously by the unlit cigarette hanging from her mouth) and now she was in my room, and I'd just been introduced as Levi's roommate which means that this whole situation is true and remarkable messed up. Who knew co-ed rooms even existed?

"Cath." I finally correct, she stares at me blankly. "My name is Cath, not Cather." Reagan nodded and fished in her purse for something, only to pull out another cigarette, I hold my breathe and pray she doesn't hand it to Levi, I can't deal with a roommate who smokes, even if I don't plan to stay for much longer, this was a mistake.

She glances round the whole room, taking in Levi's decorating and my lack thereof before turning to Levi. "Ready?" He turns to me.

"So you coming?" I shake my head. The door shuts behind them and I sigh a breathe of relief at being alone.

My body feels heavy and I have to sit down, my nerves are shot. I rest my head against the cinder block wall. My heart feels like it is in the throat and the butterflies in my stomach dance around and I have to take numerous deep breaths before it returns to normal. I grasp for a sense of normalcy, desperate to have a hold of myself before Dad and Wren make it upstairs to my room. Seeing me in melt down would only send her Dad into meltdown and upset Wren who would assume that it was as revenge for not living with her. It would only ruin Wrens perfect first day and I won't let her hold that over my head for the rest of my life.

Wren was the one who had insisted that they live separately in their first year, it is the perfect opportunity to meet new people apparently, according to Wren. I'm not so sure. Wren had met her roommate weeks ago. She, emphasis on the she (Courtney), was from Omaha too, not far away from where we live and Wren had met up with her for coffee numerous times. They'd become fast friends and even gone shopping for their room together but here was me with a guy for a roommate (whose girlfriend seemed like the sort of person I'd actively avoid).

"This is really nice." Dad says looking around the room and setting boxes down on the mattress beside me.

"It looks like a hospital room without the TV." I state blankly, he looks at me like I'm crazy.

"You've got a great view of campus." He tries with the cheery voice again.

Wren wanders over to the window, seeming awestruck, moving to college was Wren's dream, she couldn't wait for all this college stuff to start, me on the other hand had been dreading it and now I am here feel even worse than I did beforehand. "This view is great! My room faces a parking lot."

"How do you know?" I ask, tiredly.

"Google Earth, duh." She rolls her eyes at me but I know it's in an affectionate way and it only makes my desire to cry stronger.

"It's gonna be okay, you know?" Dad says, putting his arm around my shoulders.

I nod, I have to give this a chance, there is no way Dad or Wren are going to let me leave college right now, I'll give it a week or two and then go home. "I know." I can't let Dad know how much this is making me panic, it will only make him worse.

"Next stop, Schramm Hall. Then pizza buffet. Third stop will then be my sad and empty nest." He sounds sad, even though he's trying not to let on, I hope I don't sound that obvious.

"Sorry Dad, no pizza, I have plans with Courtney." I look at her blankly, I can't believe she is doing this to Dad, to me for some girl she doesn't even know. "Cath should come with me and Courtney too." Dad smiles.

"That sounds like a great idea, you girls go."

"No, I want pizza Dad." Dad might lose touch of reality without us there to pick up on the signs, he's never lived without someone else. First with Laura (our so-called Mother) and then we would always pick up on the signs, at least we did after he had the meltdown just after Laura left and Grandma came to stay for a while. I want pizza with him at least it might make the leaving a little easier. It's like Wren can't even see that it might be hard on him, or on me; she's so absorbed in her own bubble of how great starting college is.

"You should go with Wren." Dad says sounding guilty for taking me away from some party I have no intention of going to. I don't want anything to do with frat boys or parties. Wren knows how much I hate parties and her she is trying to make me go to one, it only works towards making my first day of college the worst day of my life.

"I want pizza today Dad. I have plenty of time to go to parties, I choose pizza with my Dad today." Wren rolls her eyes again, these feel a lot more malicious than the earlier ones did and I feel that the space between us is larger than it has ever been before.

"All right, first stop Schramm halls. Lets go." He opens to door to allow us to go first, Wren leaves the room without another word but I stay rooted to the spot. "Come on, Cath."

"You can come back for me when you've dropped her off, I'm going to unpack." Wren didn't come back to say bye. Dad nods and then leaves to letting the door shut.

It did feel good to unpack, to put sheets on the bed and set up my new desk, to organise the chaos that had been in the boxes. To set the ridiculously expensive text books on her shelves that sit over her small desk, if she needed a reason to stay it'd be how much she'd spent on textbooks. When Dad comes back we walk to Valentino's. Everyone around us is my age, white and blonde. The thoughts are jumbled in my head but as we sit in down in the student packed pizza place one thought stands out. "It's like a story, science fiction, no kids, nobody over thirty, no old people. This is just wrong."

Dad chuckles, looking himself up and down and then glancing around at the other parents in the room who've come to eat with their kids too. "What am I then? I'm forty-one, the guys at work my age are just starting to have kids and mine are off to college." He starts off laughing but becomes solemn by the end of his point. "You need to give your sister less of a hard time. She didn't want to hurt you, she just wants to meet new people."

I take a piece of pizza (bacon-cheeseburger pizza – our favourite) and spit it out. "Geez!" I gasp. Dad looks up shocked at the outburst, as do some of the people who sit around us. "Pickle." I explain "surprised me is all." He nods.

"You two seem like you're fighting." He says, sounding worried and phrasing the statement rather like a question. I shrug, me and Wren weren't talking enough to be considered fighting, giving each other the silent treatment maybe, but not fighting. I tap out my thoughts onto the table.

"We're not fighting, we just disagree on some things. Wren just wants pure independence." I mutter. I notice then that he's starting to tap the table to, it's not an instinctual means of copying my actions it means he's running low. "Tired?" I ask. He looks up from his gaze on his fingers and looks sheepish.

"It's been a long day. A big day. Both of you, both my babies in the same day. I've still not got my head around the fact that you aren't coming home with me." If I ever had an opportunity to just return home, it would be now but I'd feel like I was taking advantage of Dad's vulnerabilities.

"Don't get too comfortable alone in that house, not sure I'll stick out the first semester." I am not kidding but he laughs thinking I'm joking and I let him think that.

"I will be fine, Cath. You know?" he asks quietly, yawning once he's finished speaking. I look at him, trying to assess if he's got it together; he's tired, he's a little twitchy and he's definitely fond of his tapping at the moment but he is holding it together.

"I wish you'd get a dog." I mutter under my breath, knowing I'll never convince him.

"I wouldn't remember to feed it." He answers solemnly and we both know it's true.

"We should get it trained so it feeds you." I tease.

When I return to my room, my roommate and his girlfriend are still gone. I take the opportunity to unpack some more stuff, from the chaotic boxes, the sooner they're out of the way the better. Picture and personal stuff clutter my desk while she arranges them onto the corkboard behind her desk – me and Wren, me and Abel, me and Dad and finally Simon Snow (Simon and Baz) posters that were hand drawn and hand painted just for me. I'd have to leave the ones that wouldn't fit on the corkboard because I am determined not to announce my geekish-ness to the whole world, especially not my roommate whose side of the room looked sophisticated and plain. My side of the room didn't need to look like a ten year olds room.


	2. Chapter 2

In stories waking up in new places is disorientating, people forget where they are, they're still lost in their dreams and reality is far from clear in the moments after waking. I always remember where I fall asleep, I remember falling asleep in my room, in my dorm, in a place that I'm not used to. I'm in a place that I don't want to be and where I feel pretty uncomfortable. Whoever invited co-ed dorm rooms was surely a psychopath? What is disorientating is waking up to a room without Wren, a room with a boy I don't know.

The alarm from me phone drones on, I grab my phone knowing if it goes on much longer it will wake the sleeping boy next to me and that will lead to more awkwardness and at this hour in the morning I can't manage to deal with unnecessary awkwardness.

The phone going off reminds me off all the things I didn't do last night, the things that went forgotten as I'd crawled into bed and let sleep take me away from my unease – I hadn't text Abel, but there again Wren thinks he's a waste of time (he's never really been my boyfriend – or something along them lines), I never checked my FanFixx account either.

Clicking the button for new message, I try to compose the message in my head before typing it onto the screen. "First Day. More later. X" the words are simple and convey nothing.

The boy on the other side of the room stirs, I grab some clothes from the closet and grab my keys heading to the bathrooms to get changed. He's gone by the time I get back, hopefully that means he won't be spending a lot of time in the room, maybe he'll spend most of his time at his girlfriends. Some small part of me almost wished he'd stay, it was time for breakfast and in new situations the rules that are the hardest are the ones that aren't discussed, the ones I'm worried about most being the rules that function in the dining room, that no-one will tell you about because they are obvious to most people but to me, just make me panic and send me to the verge of an anxiety attack. I brought food with me and it'll last me for a few weeks if I pace myself and I don't plan to stay any longer than that so there shouldn't be a problem anyway. I have protein bars and giant jars of peanut butter and they'd last me till October for certain if I paced myself.

I chew the carob-oat bar as I wait for my laptop to load up, it is about time that I check my FanFixx account, I was due to post another chapter of Carry On yesterday but that went out the window with the whole moving situation. I don't have time to write anything substantial now, it's almost time for class, so I write a status updating my fans and followers. "First day of school. Family departure. Finishing moving in. Sorry for yesterday, potentially sorry for today, not sure what will happen and if I'll get time to write so we are looking at Tuesday. I have something especially wicked planned. Peace out, Magicath."


	3. Chapter 3

Going to class doesn't feel real, I don't think it's clicked yet that I'm here. It feels like I'm just pretending to be a college student. The buildings that make up campus are exactly what you'd expect from a coming-of-age movie. The brick buildings, and filled with kids with backpacks, over-excited since it's the first day. I can't help but shift my backpack, feeling like I'm trying too hard to fit in, considering I don't really want to be here.

I make it to American History ten minutes early, not early enough to make it to a back space table. It was about the only thing that would make my anxiety about being here with no-one familiar. I take a deep breath and sit down further forward and look around awkwardly and nervous. Although everyone else had the same nervous and awkward look on their faces too, they'd spent far too much time deciding what to wear and it was oozing off them. I had most certainly not put that much effort into my outfit, something that I'd be comfortable in – jeans, Simon t-shirt, green cardigan and sneakers.

I close my eyes feeling as though the room is closing in, the strength of the deodorant choking me and the creaking desks vibrating through my own and through my body. If I'd had slightly less pride, I'd have taken the American History class that Wren was taking but after our arguments about not living together it didn't feel right. American History is one of the only electives that we could take together but it hadn't happened. Wren is studying marketing and I'm studying English. Wren wanted a job in advertising like Dad.

My English course is Intro to Fiction Writing (a junior-level course) and I'd finished reading all three of her books over the summer – not typically my type of book (decline and desolation in rural America). Wren had disapproved of the reading choice, she was shocked about me reading something that doesn't have a dragon or an elf. They don't include Baz or Simon and I'd missed them, the books had been too realistic.

The door slamming removes me from my flashbacks to the summer and I realise how the class has slowly been filling but the lecturer still hasn't made it to the class. I dig my phone out of my back. Wren and I, may not being on the best of terms but it's still her I want to talk to.

"You up?" I send. I look out the window, not all that interested by anything or anyone in the classroom and see Levi. He catches my eye and waves and I wave back feeling extremely awkward. A few seconds later my phone chimes.

"Isn't that my line." I can almost imagine her laughing as she sends the text but I know she is still annoyed with me so I know she won't be laughing as she sends the text.

"Went to bed at 10. Was too tired to write. Too tired." I type back.

"Neglecting your fans already. Great start." I smile.

"Always so jealous of my fans." I type again. She doesn't reply to the text but it doesn't matter because a middle aged Indian man in a reassuring tweed jacket walks into the lecture hall. I turn down my phone and put it back in my bag.


	4. Chapter 4

My stomach rumbles as I reach the dorm, at the rate I'm going I'm not going to have protein bars for more than a week. Levi is leaning on the wall outside the room, is he waiting for me? Did he forget his keys or something? I do hope this isn't going to be a regular occurrence.

"Cather!" he says with a smile, he starts to stand up properly as soon as I am close enough. It's only now that I notice his arms and legs were too long for his body. I feel a smile tug at the side of my lips but it doesn't form on my face completely unlike his wide grin that never seems to leave his face.

"It's Cath." I state once I'm close enough for an actual conversation to seem normal.

"I don't think so, are you sure? Cather suits you. I really like Cather."

"I'm sure." I state dryly. "I've had enough time to think about it, that I'm sure about." I know I should probably try to act more warmly towards my roommate but what would be the point, after all I have no intention of staying here longer than I need to. "Forget your key?" I grasp the key in my hand but don't open the door, he looks at the door expectantly. He makes me feel 'new', I don't know any other way to explain it and at the moment new is just something that I don't want to deal with. I want to curl up in bed with my laptop and indulge in Simon and Baz. Yet here I stand with this boy who I hardly know, hardly want to know and I'm stuck with no way to remove myself or him from the situation.

"Nah, just don't like spending time alone. I mean the room is far too quiet alone, at least the corridor is a little more interesting." I have to blink a few times to understand what he's said, he's only coming into the room because I'm back. Does that mean he thinks I'm going to interact with him? I like my own little universe with Simon and Baz, I don't need another guy who's only going to be part of my life for a few weeks (if that).

"Do they do this a lot?" I ask, it's been praying on my mind since I moved in. A guy-girl co-ed dorm is so strange and it's the only topic of conversation I can think of, other than Simon-Baz. Simon-Baz may come on a little too strong and it's embarrassing anyway.

"This?" he asks quizzically. I open the door and dump my bags on my bed, wanting to quickly close the door behind me and I could but he could still come in, he's already said he has keys.

"Guy-girl rooms?"

"Not common, but not unheard of. It doesn't bother you does it?" he's too cheerful, too upbeat; he makes everything seem like it's okay when I know that living with a guy like this is something I definitely didn't want to do, I don't want to do.

"It's fine." I mutter quietly, grabbing my laptop and a protein bar and crawling into the corner of my bed, as far from his side of the room as I can get.

He sits down on his bed, grabbing his laptop too but within a second his phone is chiming with a text and he's getting up putting his shoes back on and grabbing a jacket. "I'm head out to meet Reagan. See ya, later." I nod in response not even having time to form two syllables before he's out the door and gone.


	5. Chapter 5

I try to pace my side of the room, uneasy firmly settled in my stomach, I clutch my phone in one hand and clench the other hand in a fist at my side. I'm desperately trying to resist the urge to call Wren.

I resigned to the fact I had to call someone earlier but had let myself only dial Dad's number. He didn't answer and I left a voicemail. It was unsatisfying and I was left with the growing urge to call Wren.

I try to take deep breaths and steady my nerves, I try to recite sentences in my head, make them mantras – 'I am calm, I am stronger than this, I can cope without Wren, I am my own person'.

I release my grip on the phone dropping it to the bed and sitting at my desk grabbing my sociology book and opening my laptop. I can do this. It's warm in here so I get up to open a window, it's warm outside but the breeze relieves the slight staleness of the air. People are chasing each other with nerf guns outside the fraternity house and people are getting to know each other outside but I feel safer in here. I can hold it together in here, outside I'm not so sure – not yet. I would have sworn I saw Wren cutting her way across the grass and disappearing into the doorway downstairs but I shake myself back to reality, Wren wants to go this alone and I'm going to try and give her what she wants even if my mind is trying to trick me into doing otherwise.

A knock rings out, I blink for a second not expecting anyone but it wouldn't surprise me if it was Levi, he seems like one of those people. I stand up feeling stiff from being sat at my desk for too long, opening the door tentatively.

"Hey." Wren beams, walking past me and moving to sit on Levi's bed. I try to contain my surprise and just let myself smile. "So how's your first day going?" I'm still in a daze and manage to sit down on my own bed.

"Er…Fine." I smile, my mind flashing back to my earlier American History class and how I'd felt so awkward and even missed out on the safety of a back desk. "How was yours?" I add, feeling slightly guilty that the motion was an afterthought.

"Good." Wren says too fast, and I look at her quizzically not needing to prompt her to go on. Wren who usually sounded breezy and nonchalant sounded anxious. "I mean, nerve-wrecking, I guess. I went to the wrong building for statistics." She pauses a red hue on her cheeks, she's embarrassed to be admitting this to me.

"That sucks but new place it was always going to happen to the best of us." I try to reassure her, unfamiliar with the situation, it is usually the other way round.

"Yeah, it only made me a few minutes late but I felt so stupid. Look I was wondering do you want to go explore the place together, maybe find somewhere to eat. I was going to go with Courtney but I live with her now, I need to spend some quality time with my far away sister. I think we, me and Courtney I mean are going to start meeting at Selleck Hall at noon to grab some lunch, if you want to come. Do you know where it is?" She's back to sounding in control and nonchalant but in a slightly more chaotic manner than usual.

Before I can reply, the door swings open and Levi strides in.

"Cather!" he smiles.

"It's Cath." Wren and I both say at the same time and it seems to be the first time they (Reagan leaning on the door) notice that Wren's in the room.

"I'm seeing double, almost…. Looks like you got the nerdy of the two." Reagan comments. Levi casts her a look that seems to be chastising and she shrugs. Wren smiles weakly and I had hoped she would come to my defence.

"Cath and I are going to go grab some food. It was nice to meet you." Wren states with an expression of distaste. Once we are out of the door and out of hearing distance, Wren sighs. "Your roommate is ghastly!" she exclaims. "She's so rude!" I've never seen Wren angry like this, it's her being protective but it still feels strange.

"My roommate was the guy…" I begin. She gapes quickly regaining her composure.

"That's insane, how can they let that happen. I don't care what you say you are coming to live in my dorm room with me and Courtney, that's just wrong. I desperately want to take her up on the offer but something inside me wants to stay with Levi. He's done nothing wrong and it not really that much of an issue.

"Maybe…" I trail off as we enter the diner.


	6. Chapter 6

With food in my stomach the day is feeling slightly less overwhelming but as I return to my room alone, I feel the full impact of the isolation. I've never been on my own like this and it's crazy how this feeling can resonate through your soul.

I pause outside the door to my room, having a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I won't be going in to an empty room. Levi.

Levi is stood with his back to me but I am thankful that Reagan appears to have left which makes me feel slightly less intimidated. He's putting his bed together, sifting through boxes to try and find bedding.

"Hey. How was your first day?" Levi asks, it takes a second realise I am the one he's talking to, even if I am the only other person in the room.

"It was fine." I manage to respond.

"You're a freshman, right?" I sit down on my bed, pulling my shoes off of my feet and pulling my legs underneath me. If he's making his bed he must be planning to stay the night and that makes me feel uncomfortable. He pauses, stopping and smiling at me, so I nod.

"Did you find all your classes okay?" his need for conversation seems compulsive and I realise that I am going to have to respond just to make life here liveable. He's not going to stop asking questions till we've had at least one conversation.

"Yeah, well enough. Few hiccups but that was always going to happen." I respond, reaching into my bag to pull out my laptop – at least with Simon and Baz at my fingertips I won't feel like I am so completely alone with this guy.

"So what are you studying…?" he returns to unpacking seeming to realise that I am going to speak to him now.

"English. What about you?" Writing comes so naturally but I have a document open on the screen in front of me and I haven't written a word, even when I am in touch with Simon and Baz, I am too distracted by the conversation.

I look up realising that he hasn't replied straight away which surprises me. He has a delighted look on his face at having been asked a question – even something as simple as what he's studying (the go-to starting-college-question).

"Range Management." I look at him blankly not sure what that is, or what it is supposed to mean. Usually I'd have Wren by my side to ask the question that is tempting my curiosity but alone I can't find the courage to ask the question here on my own.

"Lets not start talking about range management. Lets just make that a rule for the year because I will bore you if you let me talk about it." I smile at my computer screen until I notice him watching me again and stop, feeling an urge to look away and feel the tint of blush reach my cheeks.


	7. Chapter 7

Levi had been asleep long before I finally put down my laptop and let myself relax enough to fall asleep; he was gone before I woke up, which gave me a small amount of comfort - being able to change in my own room without worrying (I keep my back to the door just in case).

I have plenty of time before my first class but since it's with Professor Piper I go early wanting to make a good impression no matter what. Everyone in the classroom looked like this was the sole aspect of the week they'd been waiting for to. Sitting in the classroom had the same atmosphere as waiting for a concert to start or a midnight movie premiere. Anticipation.

When Professor Piper finally enters the room, there is a thick layer of silence hanging over us, the anticipation far to much, especially since she is a few minutes late. It is like the room collectively lets out a breathe in relief that she has actually come. The first thing I notice about her is that she seems small, well smaller than the photos had always led me to believe. I almost want to chastise myself for thinking something so stupid. The photos were all head shots, after all (but Professor Piper had filled them in a way that had influenced my mental picture of her - the high cheekbones, white and watered-down blue eyes and her long brown hair that swept around her face. In person, her hair is bushier than in the pictures and laced with streaks of grey but the main focus is how small she really is. I'm not exactly tall myself but she had to do a little hop to even sit on top of her desk.

"So..." her voice pierces the silence of the room and it's almost like the room starts to breath again. "Welcome to Fiction-Writing, I recognise a few of you." her eyes scan the classroom and she smiles at a few people as she surveys. The realisation that I am the only freshman in this class creates a unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach - I feel like it's as obvious as day and night - getting to know the sign that point out freshmen; the too-new backpacks, make-up on the girls, jokey Hot Topic T-Shirts on the boys. Everything on me screams freshman from the new red Vans to the dark purple glasses I picked out at Target. Every other person on campus, students and professors wear black.

"Well.." Professor Piper practically purrs, her voice warm and breathy. Her voice is soft enough for everyone to be sat completely still in the seats hanging on her every word before she has even begun. "I'm glad you're all here. We have a lot to do this semester. I don't want to waste another minute so I want to dive straight in, are you willing to dive in with me?" Most of the people around me nod in response but I just look down at my notebook.

"Okay. Lets start with a question that doesn't really have an answer but should be relatively simple to answer if you're in the right place. Why do we write fiction?"

One of the older students, a guy, who seems familiar with Professor Piper and the class in general, decides he's game. "To express ourselves." he offers but still manages to sound somewhat unsure of himself.

"Sure." Professor Piper replies in a way that could make you glad you answered or by inwardly screaming for saying something so stupid. "Is that why you write?" the guy nods seeming to have lost whatever confidence he'd just found. "Okay. Why else?"

"Because we like the sound of our own voices." a girl who looks like Wren suggests.

"Yes" Professor Piper laughs. "That is certainly my reason; that is why I teach." Everyone laughs with her.

"To explore new worlds."

"To explore old worlds."

"To set ourselves free."

Why do I write? I try to come up with a profound answer, make a statement that will leave an impression, even if I know i'll never have the courage to speak up. To be somewhere else? To get free of ourselves?

"To show people what's inside our heads." said a boy in tight red jeans.

"Assuming people want to know. Assuming we want to share." Professor Piper narrates, everyone laughs and I feel the pull of laughter.

"To get attention."

"Because it's the only thing we know how to do."

"Well I play the piano but speak for yourself." Professor Piper laughs. "Why do we write fiction?"

I stare down at my notebook feeling as though i'm wasting the time in this session by not writing everything down but to write everything down would draw attention, scream 'freshman' and possibly even involve Professor Piper asking me the question directly. Why do we write fiction? To disappear.


	8. Chapter 8

It is impossible to write like this.

First of all the room is far too small. A small rectangle just wide enough for the two beds, two desks and a small space in between. The door touches the end of each bed in it's rotation on it's hinges. Luckily neither of us had brought any large items to decorate the room; a sofa would have barely fit in the space between the beds and left us with no floor space to stand.

Unlike Wren, I hadn't brought anything other than my Simon and Baz posters to decorate the room - no TV, no cushions, no lamps, nothing. Sitting here now I certainly feel glad of it because Levi brought nothing of the sort.

The only thing that cluttered Levi's side of the room was the kettle and the coffee cup that were both illegal by all regulations. Although Reagan tends to be a permanent resident here as much as the kettle. The tones of Reagan hitting the keys of Levi's old computer (much like my own) echo through my mind and removes any chance of me having the ability to write. The more I look at the blank screen in front of me the more I feel exhausted at the idea of writing anything even the tales of Simon and Baz.

I'm used to sharing a room; i'd always shared a room with Wren but that was different, our room at home is at least 3 times the size of this dorm room but Wren didn't take up as much space as Levi and Reagan, head space that is. Wren never felt like company. She just felt right, they feel invasive.

Reagan does everything so forcefully, it was like she wanted to make her presence felt because it isn't actually her room. When Reagan is in the room I try to stay out of her way, try not to make contact; this pattern works well enough but right now pretending not to exist is extremely hard on my writing.

The scene that is plaguing me is tricky - Simon and Baz arguing about whether vampires could ever truly be considered good and also whether the two of them should go to the graduation ball together. It was supposed to be entertaining but the words seemed flat on the page. It was supposed to be funny and romantic and thoughtful (which isn't usually an issue) but today the words just weren't flowing. My brain is stuck on intruder alert - even getting Baz to move wasn't working.

Selleck Hall was a dormitory right in the middle of campus. You could eat there even if you didn't live there. I usually wait in the lobby for Wren and Courtney to avoid the awful anxiety of going into the cafeteria alone. Today they were running late. I stand, my knee bent slightly and repetitively tap my foot.

"I'm going to go get a table, you two go ahead." Courtney states, not even having time for a hello.

The salad bar at Selleck was completely odd. Cottage cheese and peaches? Canned pears with shredded cheddar? "What is up with this?" I ask scooping up some of the cold kidney and green bean salad.

"Maybe it's another Western Nebraska thing." Wren suggests laughing, and it almost feels like everything is back to normal. "There are guys in our dorm who wear cowboy hats like all the time even when they're just walking down the hall.

"Did you ever write any fic with Simon and Baz dancing?" Wren just raises her eyebrows at me.

"I don't remember" Wren said "Why? Are you writing a dance scene?"

"Waltzing. Up on the ramparts. You know all romantic, during the graduation ball." I can see the scene in my head but I can't write it down. I can't find the right words to describe such a perfect scene.

"You're worried? Of what? Making Simon fluffy? You always worry about that. Simon is fluffy, stop worrying."

"I wish you were reading it." I murmur, following Wren to the table.

"Every ninth-grader in North America is reading it. You don't need me."

"And Japan." I say sitting. "I'm weirdly huge in Japan."

Courtney leaned towards me, swooping in, like she had some big huge secret she wanted to enlighten me on. "Cath, Wren told me that you write Simon Snow stories. That's really cool. I am a huge Simon Snow fan. I read all the books when I was a kid."

"They're not over." I state looking at her, she wants to be a part of something me and Wren have had for the longest time and i'm not sure that i'm comfortable with that. It doesn't help the way she talks about Simon because she talks about him as if he is a character and to us he isn't. He's more than a character.


End file.
